Longings

Sometimes I struggle with these. Some things I long for so strongly that I am afraid that I am longing in my flesh, and displeasing God. Some things that I long for I know please God. My longing to bring honor and glory to Him, for example. My longing to keep a peaceful, orderly home. My longing to train my children to be obedient and to know the Scriptures. My longing to show love to my husband. My longing to pray for those who are stubbornly resisting God. These longings do not confuse me. I know they are natural longings of a heart that loves God - a child who wants to please her Father.
But other longings are not so easily discerned. These are the ones that make me look deep inside, to examine myself, my true motives.
What of my longing for a nice (but pricey) hair style? Is that simply vain, or part of wanting to please my husband? Can I really justify the expense when the result is chiefly my own pleasure? How much of that longing is selfish?
What of my longing for a house of my own? I have really been struggling lately with this. I see in myself mixed motives. I look at people in poor countries, and I see that I have so much more, so very much more than they do, and then I wonder if my longing for a larger house is wrong. But I have prayed over this for so long, and my desire only grows stronger. I do feel that our current house limits me in many ways from being the blessing to my family and others that I truly desire to be. But I also feel that I haven't earned a better place. I know God loves me, and gives me far better than I could ever deserve, and yet I feel that I haven't been faithful enough for Him to trust us with a new and better place. I am afraid to ask. I know that He knows the longings of my heart.
Although it has been many years now, I remember like it was yesterday how I longed for a new couch. Our couch was old, and nasty, but I was afraid to ask Him for a new one. I looked at new ones in the store, but we didn't even have money to go out to eat, let alone buy furniture. But to go along with the fantasy for just a little bit, I picked out a couch. Didn't buy it; just picked it out. And I told God that I really would like a new couch. I didn't ask for it, just admitted that ours was pretty awful and I'd love a new one. And God didn't give me a couch. Oh no, He's far too loving to do that. He gave me a whole living room set! A couch, chair, and ottoman, with matching pillows and rug. In the very color and style that I had chosen at the store! The print was larger than the one I had chosen, but even down to the wood trim and the style (and number) of couch cushions, it was what I wanted. I cried, and I'm nearly crying now, remembering how loved I felt! I will never forget that phone call - my brother telling me that they'd just gotten new furniture from his in-laws, and did I want their living room set. I remember him telling me what all was included, and the color...and I was practically in shock, but trying to be calm and collected. God is so good isn't He? There are many instances when He's proved His love for me, but that was one of the most memorable. He answered the longing of my heart, that I hadn't even dared to pray. I didn't feel worthy enough to ask. After all, doesn't it seem a bit selfish to pray for a new couch?
And I feel selfish praying for a new house. I tell myself that perhaps He wants us to stay here longer to be a witness to the neighbors that we honestly have constant issues with. Perhaps I simply have to learn how to be content eating meals in my living room, which of course means having no living room. Perhaps I have to learn contentment in my tiny "half kitchen" which is also the walkway into the rest of the house. Perhaps my children need to learn to all share space so that we can live in a 2 bedroom home. Perhaps we need to accept never having a place to put things like our lawn mower and bikes and shovels.
But then I remember God's love. I remember how He gave me that whole living room set, and I wonder. I pray about this longing, admit it to Him, and ask Him to please take it away if I shouldn't have it, yet it grows stronger.
Is there a house for us? Perhaps the time has almost come? Maybe soon I will have a kitchen with counter space and cabinets? Maybe soon we will be eating in a dining room, and be able to have a real living room with a couch? Maybe God does have a place for us - with enough bedrooms for everyone? And maybe even a garage? The hope rises in me even as I am afraid to let it come. The economy seems so shaky right now, but still I wonder if perhaps, perhaps...God is working. Will we get a phone call? Will a friend call and tell us of a house? Will we drive by and see a sign and just know? Or will it be months yet, or even years? Will this longing still be in my heart a year from now? Or will God have answered it? I simply do not know. But it has come to the point where I must cry it out to Him, because I can't keep it inside anymore.
I know, LORD, that I am not worthy to be called your child, and yet You have called me. You know the longings of my heart, LORD. You know that I do not want to displease You with my thoughts and desires. You know what I want for my family, and how I long to practice more hospitality with my home. You know, LORD, that I would use a larger home for Your honor and glory, as I have always striven to do. You know that I would be thankful and give You the glory for providing a place for us. Please give me the discernment to know Your leading. Please help me to know if my longing is from You, or if it is simply the cry of my sinful heart.
Amen.